My Apologies

To the redheaded boy at my junior high, I apologize for saying, “Hi Pumpkinhead.” I said it not because of your hair but because I’d seen you at the pumpkin patch over the weekend and I had a crush on you. You looked so hurt when you said, “That’s not nice,” that I was too mortified to explain. I also apologize for not explaining.

To my sister Chris, I apologize for dumping the sand from my cleats into your sheets while you were out with friends. I guess I was mad about something and I definitely did not expect you to come home crying. I also apologize for not confessing when you said, “And now there’s SAND in my bed.” I also apologize for confessing to this in a public blog.

To my band student’s mom, who helped me put away a hundred folding chairs, hurt her hand doing it, and said, “Well, no good deed goes unpunished,” I apologize for saying, “Oh did you do a good deed today?”

To the three kids I remember seeing teased in elementary and junior high school, I apologize for not saying anything. I hope to God I wasn’t laughing, too.
To the older college boy who stopped a group conversation to point out that I was laughing about an inside joke I couldn’t possibly understand, I’m sorry; I was just trying to fit in.
To the man I winked at while everyone else’s eyes were closed for prayer at church, I apologize. I was trying to silently tell you it was your turn to pray. When you didn’t start praying, my wink seemed suddenly scandalous. I also apologize to your wife.
To my husband, I apologize for saying I could definitely make a lot of money dogwalking.

In a related note, I apologize, Mom and Dad, for borrowing money from you when I’m in my thirties. But I will definitely make a lot of money as a writer, and then I’ll pay you back.

 

 

First Amendment Area!!!

Last week I visited Muir Woods for the first time. My husband and I laughed at the sign that designated a small area their ‘First Amendment Area.’ He took a picture of me exercising my first amendment rights in the appropriate place. All good fun. And then I posted the picture to Facebook.

The more friends and family who were offended by the idea that the whole park wasn’t a ‘First Amendment Area,’ the more it started to irk me, too. So I did a little Googling. Apparently, someone else wrote to the park about the Area and the park wrote back and said, among other things, that people come to the park for peace and quiet, and the limitations are the reason that there aren’t huge banners up on Half Dome.

I also visited a site called Ask The Lawyer and read about the general limitations of the First Amendment. The gist I got was that obscenity is not protected, but ideas are. So I suppose you can’t say, “The Irish are %&#*! hilarious,” but you could say, “Let’s not allow the Irish in our club.” Not sure about that.

Though I’m very law-abiding, I also have a secret anti-establishment streak. Therefore, I’m thinking about making a shirt that says “First Amendment Area” and going back to Muir Woods. Then somewhere along the trail I’ll whisper to someone, “What do you think of congress? How about that gun control? Don’t be afraid; I’m a mobile First Amendment Area.” I’ll whisper it so people can still enjoy the birdsong and creek babbling. “What? You think I’m an idiot? Well, I’m glad you said what you felt. That’s what it’s all about. Enjoy your hike.”

Until I can make it back to Muir Woods, I can at least declare this blog a First Amendment Area. Say what you will – I won’t be offended. Of course I might say what I think about what you said, and I hope you won’t be offended either.

In my first ever blog post, I mentioned that I am only funny online, because real time moves too fast. And it has just occurred to me that in real time I missed a golden opportunity. Not the shirt thing, but if, on our hike, my husband had said anything that I disagreed with, I could have just told him, “Shut up, Honey. We’re not in the First Amendment Area.”

Dennis Rodman And Some Cute Kittens (a story of passion and search engine optimizing)

Becky shook the nervousness out of her hands and answered her first freelance writing email.

I love the pics of your Tahoe rental. Thanks so much for asking me to write your website content. Sure I’ve heard of SEO. I’ll get started today and send you something soon.

“What the heck is SEO?” Becky asked her cat. She searched it. “Oh. Easy. Write what people are Google searching for.”

Dear Mr. Maloney, what do you think of grabbing them with the title Dennis Rodman and Cute Kittens?

Dear Becky, I think we better stick with a title that will attract people who are looking for a rental in Tahoe. Thanks for getting to work quickly.

You’re welcome Mr. Maloney, so how about Stay at Shaun White’s Favorite Tahoe Rental?

Becky, I think that might be a legal problem. Keep brainstorming.

Mr. Maloney, how about Cozy, Affordable Rental Tahoe Cabin.

Let’s go with that, Becky.

Mr. Maloney, as for the paragraph about the cabin, I think there are a few things we should mention several times for high optimization. Something like this:
The view! The view! The view from this cozy, cozy cabin will absolutely make your vacation. Inexpensive and affordable, the cozy cabin (did I mention the view?) might tempt you to stay in instead of hiking or skiing around Lake Tahoe. Cozy, affordable, beautiful view, what more could you want? Cabin. Cozy. Rent. Cabin. Tahoe.

Hmmm, Becky. That might get them to the website, but I don’t know if it will make them want to contact me. Once they get to the site, we want to make sure they keep reading.

I had this great idea, Mr. Maloney. Here it is. I think they’ll keep reading.
Jennica gazed out the charming window at the snow-laden evergreens and the sapphire lake beyond. No sooner had she wished that Dirk would join her than he had his arms around her waist.
“Come to the bedroom,” he whispered, pulling her sleeve off her shoulder, kissing.
She thought of the two spacious, inviting bedrooms, but shrugged Dirk off.
“Just let me clean up the kitchen. It won’t take long since I used the microwave and there’s a dishwasher.”
“No. The dishes can wait.”
He pulled her into the master bedroom. On her way to the bed she glanced into the immaculate master bath and felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Dear Becky, I’m sorry to have to say I hired another writer. I’ll be at the cabin next weekend though. I’d love to meet you.

Were You Always This Funny?

No, I was not always this funny. Well, I was in my head, but before the days of Facebook, by the time I had thought of my witty reply the moment had passed. Now I entertain my friends ten seconds after I read their status and no one’s the wiser. Finally, thanks to the speed of technology, I seem quick-witted!

All the ‘likes’ and ‘LOLs’ have inspired me to hire my slow-but-witty-witted self out as a writer and editor. My hope is that I will sometimes entertain you, my friends, and as for potential clients, I hope that you will come here and see that I know how to use a semicolon; please hire me.