The Weary Applicant’s Resume

GOAL
To obtain job. Any job. Let’s just pretend that I revised this for the hundredth time to make it sound like the job you’re offering is my dream job. I’m independently wealthy, but I saw your job advertised and knew my life wouldn’t be complete without it.
JOB EXPERIENCE
Taught band for ten years. Try it for a week and you’ll hire me.
OTHER EXPERIENCE
Raised a kid. If you have a kid, you will know that now I can learn and handle anything. I haven’t done your exact job before, otherwise I’d still have that job and not be applying for yours. Also, I wrote a novel. No biggie.
EDUCATION
BA in Music. Did you know that playing music uses more of your brain than any other activity? I think I can figure out how to answer your phone/email your clients/drive your van/sell your vegetables. And did I mention that my life’s goal is to answer your phone/email your clients/drive your van/sell your vegetables?
REFERENCES
Webster’s Dictionary. Just kidding. That’s how punchy I am from looking for jobs online all day. I actually have many friends who will attest to my friendliness, helpfulness, patience, and loyalty.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “The Weary Applicant’s Resume

  1. I’ve actually only applied for a couple jobs, but I don’t like to waste time, and when I change my resume and write all the previous jobs info, etc. not even knowing if the job’s hours are hours I can work, I feel weary.

  2. This made me laugh. I’m embarking on the big, after-college job hunt, and I’m already tired of the process! As my lovely friend Elissa put it, “And then you realize that summarizing yourself on a sheet paper kinda sucks and you wish you could just give them one of your huge bear hugs and then they would most likely hire you. on the spot. of course.”

  3. And being a writer doesn’t help. Advertising yourself seems to be a different skill altogether.

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