Jesus Went Through Menopause

I believe that the Bible is factual. I don’t like to argue about it, but I think that what doesn’t make sense to us scientifically now will eventually make sense to us. For instance, I once read a book by Isaac Asimov, In The Beginning I believe it was called, in which Asimov argued for an entire chapter about the word “firmament.” The sky is not a firmament, he wasted his ink telling us, and therefore the Bible is from man and flawed. It turns out that the original Hebrew word is correctly translated “expanse.” Asimov did mention that he was using one specific translation, but really, Isaac, was a little research (or lack of bias) really too much for you?

Anyway, one of the verses I’m waiting to understand fully is Hebrews 4:15. “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” “High priest” refers to Jesus. Other translations (see how easy that is, Isaac?) say “tempted in every way.”

Now, I admit that Jesus was tempted in ways I probably never will be, but the other day, after I yelled at two young men who got me up off my couch after a long day to try to scam me with a “magazine subscription to help them win a trip to Italy,” I found a Dr. Oz article about perimenopausal rage, and that got me wondering. Jesus, would you have kept your perspective and your cool with wildly fluctuating estrogen levels?

Obviously the answer is yes. He was perfect. But in light of Hebrews 4:15, I would like to propose that maybe Jesus did keep his cool with wildly fluctuating estrogen levels. To make Hebrews 4:15 true, maybe God zapped Jesus with estrogen once or twice, so he would know exactly how a forty-year-old woman is tempted. Maybe Jesus drank out of a well contaminated with birth control pills. (By the way modern men, did you know that you’re drinking female hormones? Good times.)

But is there any evidence? Well, no. But you have to wonder at Jesus calling Peter Satan. All Peter did was suggest that Jesus shouldn’t have to suffer and die. Jesus could have answered, “I know it sucks, but that’s the way it has to happen. Thanks for not wanting me to suffer and die.” I suggest that He may have been zapped with estrogen, and out flew, “Get thee behind me, Satan!” It was, after all, only at certain times of the month that I wanted to call my old boss Satan. Sorry women’s libbers, I am the reason there’s so much opposition to women in combat.

Another possibility is when Jesus overturned the money changers’ tables. This is maybe more likely, because it’s the only time (I think) when Jesus got physical. Without fluctuating hormones, maybe he would have said, “Everybody out, this is a house of prayer, not a den of robbers. Move along, move along.” With estrogen, “Get out!” (crash) “My house shall be called,” (crash) “a House (crash) Of (crash) Prayer!!”

This is not to say that Jesus did not have every right to react as he did to these real insults to his Father. It just makes me feel a little better to think that not one single part of the temptation I face is left out of Hebrews 4:15. “Tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.”

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