Every Parenting Article Ever Written, Consolidated

I’ve read a lot of articles about parenting. Here’s what they say, in a nutshell.
1. Don’t Helicopter
and yet
2. Know Everything Your Kid Is Doing On The Internet And Know Who Their Friends Are

Chop chop chop. Here’s the sound of me proudly hovering, since 2001. You know your kid, and your gut is probably telling you whether or not to hover.

3. Vaccinate! Diseases Are Deadly!
and yet
4. Don’t Vaccinate! Shots Are Poison!

Grrr. Here’s the sound of me regretting vaccinating after I know what’s in them. At least for the less deadly illnesses. But I’ve read articles on both sides, and let me save you a lot of time. We just don’t know the answers yet.

5. Save Money For Their College
6. Feed Them Organic Produce
7. Take Them To Disneyland While They Are Still Young
8. Get Them Piano Lessons

Cha-ching. Here’s the sound of beautiful piano playing, so good for the brain and soul, and pesticide free foods, so good for the body. We don’t have a savings account, but darn it, she did get to Disneyland once while she was young. You can afford college for your kid because they ate whatever processed food was on sale? That’s cool too.

9. Reward Good Behavior, Never Yell

STOP WHINING!!! That’s the sound of me forgetting rule number 9.

10. Get Your Child On A Sleep Schedule In Her Own Room
11. Let Your Child Sleep When He’s Tired.
12. Let Your Child Know He’s Safe And Loved By Letting Him Sleep In Your Bed

All these things are recommended by experts. Our daughter slept with us until I started falling out of the bed. My friends got their babies on a military sleep schedule before they could say Mama. They. Are. All. Fine. I say, give your kid lots of hugs, and he’ll grow up just fine. Let her watch TV, or don’t. Homeschool, or don’t homeschool. Give him time outs, or lectures. Or ignore tantrums. He’ll survive. Kids have good brains. They figure things out. My favorite advice for parents is, unless you are neglecting your kids,

13. You Don’t Need Advice *

*Unless you do, and then you are not reading this.

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