Secret Resolutions

Well, it’s almost time for resolutions. I have some suggestions for you, but for various reasons you’ll need to keep them secret.

Call your mom once a week.
A great resolution, but you want your mom to think that you want to talk to her, not that calling her is something you have to force yourself to do. And you do want to, I know, but time does get away from us, so a resolution might be the thing. Just don’t tell her. The point is for her to feel good about herself, right? Not to feel like a burden. Plus, if you tell her, you’ll have to listen to, “You don’t HAVE to. I know you’re really busy. Really, don’t bother. I have lots to watch on T.V.”

Compliment your spouse once a day.
There are many great spouse-related resolutions like this, and all of them must be kept secret for the same reason “call your mom once a week” needs to be kept secret. You should want to do these things. You might not actually want to, but it’s good to keep up the charade.

Stop picking your nose in the car.
This one needs to be kept a secret so you don’t have to admit you used to do it in the first place.* Also in the category of resolutions you shouldn’t admit are “stop sending anonymous, threatening mail” and “stop watching The Bachelor.”

Now, if you take one of my suggestions, people are going to ask you what your resolution is this year, and you won’t be able to tell them. So here are some decoy resolutions that will be easy to achieve in case anyone’s checking up on you. You don’t want a decoy like “I’m not going to eat sugar,” or “I’m going to work up to running a 5K,” for obvious reasons.

Stop looking when someone opens a car door at a stoplight.
This is one of my actual resolutions this year. I don’t know why, but I always look, even though I know full well that either spit or vomit is coming. Do I think someone’s going to throw glitter or something? At best it’s going to be old coffee.**

Be more cheerful.
Actually it’s not so much that this one is easy to achieve, as that it’s hard to measure. When someone asks, “Have you been more cheerful?” you can smile and say, “I sure as heckfire have,” and they won’t be able to argue.

Remember to water my plants every other day.
Once again, it’s not that this one’s easy to achieve, it’s just that it’s so boring that no one is going to care enough to ask me how I’m doing with it in three months. Now if I say “I’m going to stop swearing,” my friends will think “hallelujah!” and remember to check up on me. Them: What’s your resolution this year? Me: Water my plants. Them: Oh… How’s your mom? Me: I don’t know. I should really call her more often.

*With the exception of one of my relatives, who admitted it to everyone on Facebook.
**Update, my cousin in law enforcement says this is a bad resolution. I should stay aware in case the person’s opening their door to come carjack me or something. Guess I’m stuck with spit.

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