Help For Men This Valentine’s Day

Okay men, you may have one of those irritating girlfriends who won’t just tell you what she wants for Valentine’s Day. She might say she wants to be surprised, but what she really wants is proof that you understand her. But maybe, just maybe, she will help you by giving you a list of things she doesn’t want. This will at least keep you from getting one of those gifts that ANY WOMAN would love and then finding out that your woman is the one exception. Let’s avoid the teary “You don’t really know me” Valentine’s Day. For an example, here’s my list.

1. Flowers. My cat will eat them, and then I will have to clean up the puke. How romantic! I can keep the flowers in a closed bathroom, but then I rarely see them, and someone inevitably forgets to close the door anyway. It’s usually not me, but guess who cleans up the puke? Happy Valentine’s Day!

2. A card with no writing except for what Hallmark wrote. Thank you Hallmark, I’m glad you love me so much.

3. A trip to Hawaii. Most women would go crazy, right? Well so would I. They’d have to stop the flight for my panic attack.

Got your woman to make an unwish list? Great! Now let me tell you what to add to it, just in case this relationship is your first interaction with another human.

1. Vacuum cleaner. Or cleaning product of ANY KIND. Best to steer clear of cooking gadgets, too, whether or not she has told you she wants one.

2. Makeover. She might love makeovers. However, YOU are not allowed to suggest she needs one. Also in this category, books about losing weight. This may seem like a no-brainer, but if she has mentioned that she would like to read such and such a weight loss book, you might think “Hey! I DO know one thing she wants.” Maybe stick with a gift certificate to a book store and let her tell HERSELF to lose weight.

3. Pets. First of all, I believe a person should choose her own pet. Also, she’s going to want to burn everything you ever gave her when she breaks up with you, so don’t endanger a poor puppy OR make your future ex clean up the poop of a living reminder of you every day for the next twelve years.

No pressure, but use the utmost caution. She might act like she loves the weight loss book you gave her, but inside, she is starting the break-up clock. It’s only a matter of time. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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