An Open Letter to Open Letter Writers

Dear Writer,

Wow, that’s a really passive aggressive medium you’ve found, there. So. You didn’t have the guts to confront someone in person, but you just had to get people to agree with you that that person did something that’s all sorts of wrong. And just getting your friends (wait, do you have any?) to agree with you wasn’t enough. You needed the validation of hoardes of faceless cyberpeople who will “like” any people-bashing “article.” Bring out the virtual pitchforks!

Or maybe it wasn’t confrontation you were afraid of. Maybe you were afraid that if you struck up a conversation with the person, you might learn something about them that makes what they did seem a little more understandable. Maybe you even knew you’d learn something about them that would give you some empathy.

Or maybe the wrongdoer was a celebrity, and you’re making yourself feel better about not having the social clout to get into the same room with them. “I’m not popular enough to come to your party, Schmiley? Well, here’s what’s wrong with YOU.”

Or maybe, as in the case of this letter, there are too many possible recipients, so you’re trying to reach them all with one virus. In that case, maybe you could reword your lecture as a “here’s what I would do if I were in such-and-such a situation,” and not bring the offender into your story at all. But that wouldn’t be controversial enough for people to make the all important click, and you might not get your virtually famous fifteen minutes. And so you write a letter like this, and great minds say, “Yeah!” and then forget about your offender and move on to the next menace to society.

And then what will you have? 740 “likes,” 800 angry responses, and then society changing to exactly the way you like it. Except for that last part. So should I take my own advice and click “move to trash” instead of “publish?” Probably so, but what if this is the one? The one that makes me famous, I mean changes the world for the better?

Sincerely,
One More Opinionated Blogger

Dear Mom On The iPhone

Dear mom on the iPhone,

I’ve noticed that post is going around again that tells you to watch your kids swinging and playing at the park instead of staring at your phone.

I think last time this went around, someone blogged a response. But was it funny? No. So here’s mine. It’s a list of things I imagined about you that make your preoccupation with your phone acceptable.

1. Your best friend is in labor. All your usual babysitters are seeing Taylor Swift at the county fair. Instead of chasing your kids through the hospital telling them not to touch things, you are keeping up with your best friend’s progress via phone.

2. You just played seventeen games of Candyland at home, and watched your kids play for an hour and ten minutes before I got to the park.

3. You haven’t had a break from your kids in three months. They just threw a half hour tantrum about how you didn’t bring money for the ice cream truck, and you are afraid if you interact with them, you will tell them you wish they’d never been born.

4. Buster Posey is messaging you. Shut up, kids.

5. You are telling someone how to stop the self destruct countdown on their batmobile.

The point is, I hardly know you, and I don’t know how your day has been thus far, but I do know you work hard. Don’t ignore your kids every day, but I’m guessing you don’t, because you are a mom, and I know moms, because I have one and I am one.

Quiz! Which Human Are You?

Which Human Are You?

1. Someone cuts in front of you in the coffee line. You
A. Say “Excuse me, the line’s back there.”
B. Let them go and sincerely forgive them in your heart. Love, man.
C. Surreptitiously take a picture for public shaming.

2. Choose a celebrity.
A. Tori Kelly
B. Logan Lerman
C. I feel old.

3. What do you most look for in a significant other?
A. Honesty
B. Kindness
C. Anyone who can choose just one of those is going to have problems.

4. Where would you most like to visit?
A. In my living room – here, take the comfy chair.
B. online
C. Paris

5. What should happen to the Clippers’ owner?
A. He should have to switch bodies with Chris Rock for a day.
B. He should have to play a full length game of basketball against the Globetrotters.
C. He should have his heart grown three sizes.

6. What quiz result have you gotten that made you take the quiz again after some serious self-reflection?
A. Voldemort
B. The Mad Hatter
C. Tinkerbell

7. What should you be doing right now?
A. Working
B. Sleeping
C. Saving the world.

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Calculating results…
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Congratulations! You are (your name here)!!! You are not like anyone else, despite the limited number of answer combinations here. Enjoy being you 🙂