10. I only steal gluten free lunches.
9. Perfect face for phone and email communication.
8. Office party designated driver.
7. Internet IQ tests going around Facebook tell me I’m anywhere between “above average” and “genius.”
6. I taught 4th – 8th grade band for ten years. Could your job possibly throw anything more challenging at me?
5. (Your business name here) is my favorite business.
4. I need a new washing machine.
3. I hate travel, so I’m always around.
2. My faith dictates that I love you even if you’re a horrible boss.
1. I finish projects even if I think they’re stupid.*
*I finished this list, didn’t I?
wereyoualwaysthisfunny 
Anyone who can handle 4th through 8th grade students deserves a big medal and a job!
I always feel like that’s all I should have to put on a resume. And then again in all bold. DID YOU HEAR ME? 4th. THROUGH. 8th. GRADERS…WITH LOUD INSTRUMENTS!
Update: I was hired by WSI Smart Marketing as a content writer. Yay! It wasn’t for any of the reasons I listed, though. It wasn’t because of my resume, either. It was because of my consistently awesome Facebook statuses. At least that’s part of the reason.
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