Tag Archives: humor

Comment Awaiting Moderation

So you have a comment awaiting moderation on your blog. Are you a controlling, censoring, narrow-minded pig if you don’t approve it?

This morning I awoke to an email telling me that I had a comment awaiting moderation on my blog about writing. On that blog, I had spent many painstaking hours transferring all 61 days of my Bible devotional (not to mention the painstaking hours to write the book version before that, finding every mention of God’s kingdom in the Bible and spreading them out in digestible-sized daily readings), and now I saw that I had a comment on Day 61. Yippee! Someone had read the whole thing (for free, you’re welcome) and they were commenting to thank me for doing all that work!

Alas, the comment didn’t seem to be thanking me. I’d had a short night of sleep, so as I lay in bed looking groggily at the email on my phone, it took me a while to figure out what I was reading. At first, I thought the comment was telling me that I had it wrong about Jesus’s command to love others. The comment said something about how loving others without worshiping God was wrong, and I scrolled up through my blog post to see if I had said any such thing.

I hadn’t said any such thing, of course. And how easy am I to gaslight if I had to reread my own writing to make sure?

At this point, my thought was to tell this guy where he could put his comment. Don’t be crass. I meant in his own blog.

ANYWAY, then I realized that the whole comment was an unattributed poem. Did the commenter write the poem? I copied and pasted it into a Google search to see what came up. What came up was this same poem in the comments of ANOTHER Christian blog post. “Hey,” I thought. “This guy goes around commenting his poem on everyone’s blogs.”

I considered hitting “approve.” He wasn’t rudely arguing with my writing, after all.

But wait! What if I copied and pasted my work indiscriminately in the comments of someone else’s blog without commenting on their work at all. Would I even think about doing that? Of course not!

So if you are as neurotic as me, I’d like to remind you that there are some kinds of comments you don’t have to approve.

Comments That Are Unrelated to Your Post

Especially if they advertise their own stuff. This is my blog, and I’ll advertise my own stuff and other people’s stuff that I truly admire. For instance, I think you should read my fairy tale comedy Littlefoot Part One. You’re here on a humor blog, so I think you might like it. 99 cents on Kindle. A Kindle app is free, BTW. And if that Bible devotional piqued your interest, it’s over on my blog mlmillard.wordpress.com and it’s called Seeking First His Kingdom (61 days of worry-free devotions).

Rude Comments

Come on, people! It’s YOUR blog. You do not have to put up with that. And don’t be tempted to approve just so you can reply with that amazing comeback you thought of. They’ll reply back, and it will be a whole big mess.

Whatever Comments You Want

It. Is. Your. Blog.

 

M.L. Millard

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Ants: A Triumph of the Soul

They say Albert Schweitzer fed the ants in his house because he had a reverence for life. I say he had Stockholm Syndrome. Still, as a graduate of Schweitzer Elementary, it’s always with a vague sense of guilt that I wipe away those first few ants of the rainy season.

For some reason, every year I think those first few will be the only ones. Then the next day I think, “No big deal, I can wipe up ten every morning. At least they’re not getting to the food.”

But this year, as with every year, soon there were fifty each morning. We bought traps for outside and pet safe orange peel spray* for inside. Our house smelled orangey fresh. It was almost a good thing we had ants. It smelled like we were riding Soarin’ Over California in Disneyland. Yes. Except for the time the spray ricocheted off a doorframe and into my eye, it was exactly like going to Disneyland.

Gradually everything we owned made its way to the refrigerator. Do ants like coffee beans? I don’t know, but the beans went into the fridge just in case. We started to have avalanches every time we tried to get something to eat, but at least the ants weren’t getting to the food.

One morning I took an open bag of Reese’s Pieces out of the fridge, shoved the avalanche back in (was that a baseball glove?) and set my candy on the counter to thaw while I got ready for work. Twenty minutes later I threw the bag on the passenger seat and munched on peanut buttery goodness all the way down Stony Point Road. Then, sitting at a red light, I saw it. One single ant crawling its way out of the bag and across the seat. Slowly, I brought the bag closer and peered in.

How to describe the feeling you get when you see movement among your Reese’s Pieces. Repulsion? Horror? Anger? When I got home eight hours later, the kitchen was as bad as I feared. They were everywhere.

And that’s when I lost it. “What if I build you a little fairy house outside and put sugar cubes in it? No, the neighbors would be mad if I invited every ant in town.” Yes, I was talking to the ants. Nothing was ever going to stop them. I was a captive in my own house.

No! Not a captive! A humanitarian. I was like Albert Schweitzer. “I suppose you may as well make yourselves comfortable,” I told them. I wasn’t crazy. It was a triumph of the soul.

* Still wipe this spray up as the bottle instructs. I didn’t and I think it gave my cat seizures.

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Your Own Little Political Party

How many political parties would there be if we took all the most divisive topics and founded a political party for every possible combination of beliefs? Even if we narrowed it down to A/B choices about foreign policy/military, gun control, gay marriage, abortion, education, business oversight, and welfare, we’d have dozens of political parties. And each of those topics could have several points of view. We’d really have to have at least A/B/C/D choices for each one. John wants an Old West gun-slingin’ free-for-all. Liam might be pro gun control, but Jen wants every gun confiscated and sent into space. David wants abortion totally illegal, while Carmen thinks it should be legal in certain circumstances, Su thinks it should be legal in different certain circumstances, and Logan thinks it should always be the woman’s choice.

How many political parties would we have? They would be so specific that we’d each have our own little, and I mean little, political party. I am a near pacifist, tight gun control, let people marry who they want (some people are born with male and female genitalia, for goodness* sake, are you going to check?) more money for education, heavy business regulation lefty who thinks government should help the poor, BUT, I’m in a little group of lefties who are pro-life except in the direst of situations. And I was soooo close to getting a bunch of lefty votes.**

We all have our own little political party. If you don’t have your own, you might want to think a little bit harder. There are a lot of variables here, and my list is nowhere near complete. What are the chances that you would agree with one of the major parties on every issue? Statistically, it’s unlikely in the extreme. Some issues you might not even (gasp) be able to come to a conclusion on. It’s okay. Enjoy your little party. Don’t be afraid to say how your views differ from the mainstream. Not that you shouldn’t vote for one of the big two, (I do) but at least think for yourself before making that important decision.

With love from the Marie party.

*goodness’s?

**since writing this I’ve learned a lot about abortion rates coming down to pre Roe v Wade numbers due to education and birth control availability, and I’ve thought more about the impossibility of policing abortions for certain reasons and moved to the left on this, too. Time to run for office? Millard 2020!

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Were You Always This Funny?

No, I was not always this funny. Well, I was in my head, but before the days of Facebook, by the time I had thought of my witty reply the moment had passed. Now I entertain my friends ten seconds after I read their status and no one’s the wiser. Finally, thanks to the speed of technology, I seem quick-witted!

All the ‘likes’ and ‘LOLs’ have inspired me to hire my slow-but-witty-witted self out as a writer and editor. My hope is that I will sometimes entertain you, my friends, and as for potential clients, I hope that you will come here and see that I know how to use a semicolon; please hire me.

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