There’s always something to worry about. I’m an expert. But how can I use my expertise to help others? I know! Here’s a list for those times you feel disconcertingly at ease. One of these things is sure to strike a chord and get you back to your usual panicky self.
Allergies
Did you know that you can develop life-threatening allergies at any time? I had a friend who wasn’t allergic to bees, and then she was. She almost died. Next time you get stung, you probably will, too.
Branches
Falling trees kill a hundred Americans a year. Okay, that’s not as many as I thought it would be, but still, one of those hundred could be you. Tread carefully.
Cancer
But if you don’t use those trees for shade, thereby avoiding the branches, you’ll probably get melanoma and die.
Car Accidents
So you probably won’t get stung by a bee today, and you might not walk under trees, and melanoma won’t get you immediately, but chances are you’ll get in a car very soon. And you’ll probably die.
E. Coli
Did you eat today? Anything at all? It probably had E. coli on it. You’ll probably die.
Fires
Did you unplug the toaster? Are you sure? Did your neighbors unplug their toasters?
Global Climate Change
Hope you can swim.
Guns
You don’t even have to be near one. A stray bullet could come through your living room wall right now.
Hantavirus
Breathe near the wrong mouse’s poop, and bam.
Infection
Is it supposed to turn that color around a cut? You know, some infections are resistant to antibiotics. This one probably is.
Jazz
”Lisa, stay away from that jazz man!” When was Marge Simpson ever wrong?
Kryptonite
I see you smirking at this list, Superman. Not so funny now, is it?
Legionnaires’ Disease
Breathe while digging in the wrong soil or standing near the wrong water mister, and bam.
Leukemia
If you don’t get melanoma, there are plenty of other kinds of cancer. Do you feel fatigued a lot? You probably have leukemia. You’ll probably die.
Medication
Have you SEEN the list of side effects? If you take a medication, you’re probably going to die.
No One Likes You
You’ll probably die from one of the things on this list, and you’ll probably die alone.
Otters
The one animal you thought would never attack you, right? Think again. (Seriously. Google it.)
Paranoia
Is it true that no one likes you? When you tried to think of something to worry about that starts with “P,” all you could think of was “pee.” Are you paranoid to worry about what people would think of that? Will people think this blog is funny? Are you paranoid because you don’t want to go inner tubing on the river anymore because of that otter thing? There’s also that dangerous bacteria in the river sometimes. You should definitely worry about whether or not people think you are paranoid.
Rivers
See above.
Strangers
This is a handy one because strangers are almost everywhere. If you can’t find something to worry about, you’ve always got strangers. One seems to attack someone about every week in my town. And don’t think you can stay in your house with your doors locked to avoid worry, because you’re more likely to fall in your bathroom than be hit by a falling tree branch.
Tubs
See above.
Tubas
Obvi.
Worry
Still worrying about whether people think you’re paranoid? If worry doesn’t make everyone not like you, it will at least give you a heart attack or something. You should be worried about your worry.
Zoos
I put this because I said it was A to Z. But now that I think about it…
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