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Comment Awaiting Moderation

So you have a comment awaiting moderation on your blog. Are you a controlling, censoring, narrow-minded pig if you don’t approve it?

This morning I awoke to an email telling me that I had a comment awaiting moderation on my blog about writing. On that blog, I had spent many painstaking hours transferring all 61 days of my Bible devotional (not to mention the painstaking hours to write the book version before that, finding every mention of God’s kingdom in the Bible and spreading them out in digestible-sized daily readings), and now I saw that I had a comment on Day 61. Yippee! Someone had read the whole thing (for free, you’re welcome) and they were commenting to thank me for doing all that work!

Alas, the comment didn’t seem to be thanking me. I’d had a short night of sleep, so as I lay in bed looking groggily at the email on my phone, it took me a while to figure out what I was reading. At first, I thought the comment was telling me that I had it wrong about Jesus’s command to love others. The comment said something about how loving others without worshiping God was wrong, and I scrolled up through my blog post to see if I had said any such thing.

I hadn’t said any such thing, of course. And how easy am I to gaslight if I had to reread my own writing to make sure?

At this point, my thought was to tell this guy where he could put his comment. Don’t be crass. I meant in his own blog.

ANYWAY, then I realized that the whole comment was an unattributed poem. Did the commenter write the poem? I copied and pasted it into a Google search to see what came up. What came up was this same poem in the comments of ANOTHER Christian blog post. “Hey,” I thought. “This guy goes around commenting his poem on everyone’s blogs.”

I considered hitting “approve.” He wasn’t rudely arguing with my writing, after all.

But wait! What if I copied and pasted my work indiscriminately in the comments of someone else’s blog without commenting on their work at all. Would I even think about doing that? Of course not!

So if you are as neurotic as me, I’d like to remind you that there are some kinds of comments you don’t have to approve.

Comments That Are Unrelated to Your Post

Especially if they advertise their own stuff. This is my blog, and I’ll advertise my own stuff and other people’s stuff that I truly admire. For instance, I think you should read my fairy tale comedy Littlefoot Part One. You’re here on a humor blog, so I think you might like it. 99 cents on Kindle. A Kindle app is free, BTW. And if that Bible devotional piqued your interest, it’s over on my blog mlmillard.wordpress.com and it’s called Seeking First His Kingdom (61 days of worry-free devotions).

Rude Comments

Come on, people! It’s YOUR blog. You do not have to put up with that. And don’t be tempted to approve just so you can reply with that amazing comeback you thought of. They’ll reply back, and it will be a whole big mess.

Whatever Comments You Want

It. Is. Your. Blog.

 

M.L. Millard

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When the Left Forgets to Be Feminist

Last night I watched The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. He showed a clip of Rep. Chris Collins (R) saying that the GOP had been quiet about the resignation of security adviser Michael Flynn because “It’s Valentine’s Day, and I guess they were having breakfast with their wives.”

I waited for Stephen to say what I was thinking, which he often does. He didn’t.

After The Late Show I switched to Seth Meyers who made fun of the same Collins quote, and he didn’t say what I was thinking either.

YOU GUYS MISSED THE OBVIOUS CRITICISM OF COLLINS AND THE GOP’S WAY OF THINKING.

The most ridiculous thing about Collins’s statement was not that Valentine’s breakfast was a lame excuse (though it was) but that Republicans speak of high level politicians as exclusively straight males. If he could have added something to his comment to insinuate that the GOP was straight WHITE men, he probably would have. “They were having breakfast AT THE GOLF CLUB with their wives?”

Side note: As I Googled to see which specific whites only golf club I could refer to in the above paragraph, I learned that Augusta National Golf Club accepted black men before it accepted women. 

So step it up, Colbert and Meyers. Women might not be able to get your late night jobs, but we’re counting on you to think of how you’d react to something if you were a woman. We know you care.

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Ants: A Triumph of the Soul

They say Albert Schweitzer fed the ants in his house because he had a reverence for life. I say he had Stockholm Syndrome. Still, as a graduate of Schweitzer Elementary, it’s always with a vague sense of guilt that I wipe away those first few ants of the rainy season.

For some reason, every year I think those first few will be the only ones. Then the next day I think, “No big deal, I can wipe up ten every morning. At least they’re not getting to the food.”

But this year, as with every year, soon there were fifty each morning. We bought traps for outside and pet safe orange peel spray for inside. Our house smelled orangey fresh. It was almost a good thing we had ants. It smelled like we were riding Soarin’ Over California in Disneyland. Yes. Except for the time the spray ricocheted off a doorframe and into my eye, it was exactly like going to Disneyland.

Gradually everything we owned made its way to the refrigerator. Do ants like coffee beans? I don’t know, but the beans went into the fridge just in case. We started to have avalanches every time we tried to get something to eat, but at least the ants weren’t getting to the food.

One morning I took an open bag of Reese’s Pieces out of the fridge, shoved the avalanche back in (was that a baseball glove?) and set my candy on the counter to thaw while I got ready for work. Twenty minutes later I threw the bag on the passenger seat and munched on peanut buttery goodness all the way down Stony Point Road. Then, sitting at a red light, I saw it. One single ant crawling its way out of the bag and across the seat. Slowly, I brought the bag closer and peered in.

How to describe the feeling you get when you see movement among your Reese’s Pieces. Repulsion? Horror? Anger? When I got home eight hours later, the kitchen was as bad as I feared. They were everywhere.

And that’s when I lost it. “What if I build you a little fairy house outside and put sugar cubes in it? No, the neighbors would be mad if I invited every ant in town.” Yes, I was talking to the ants. Nothing was ever going to stop them. I was a captive in my own house.

No! Not a captive! A humanitarian. I was like Albert Schweitzer. “I suppose you may as well make yourselves comfortable,” I told them. I wasn’t crazy. It was a triumph of the soul.

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Physical Comedy Lesson One: How to Drop Groceries

Physical Comedy 

Lesson One: How to Drop Groceries

1. Buy one 4-pound bag dog food, one 14-ounce carton Haagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream (get the ice cream insurance plan if offered), and one small bag chips.

2. Leave checkstand.  Hold dog food bag in crook of left arm, ice cream in right hand, and balance chips on top of the dog food and the ice cream. Don’t balance them too well. Well-balanced groceries always look like they’re dropped on purpose.

3. Exit store.

4. Wait until a man walking toward the store is about 10 feet in front of you. (This part is crucial.)

5. Lower ice cream just enough for the chips to slide off.

6. Try to catch chips by taking a few of your fingers off the ice cream, lunging forward, and attempting to snatch chip bag between fingers and ice cream carton.

7. Fail. (See #8 for details.)

8. Throw ice cream at the approaching person. Make sure carton rolls off your fingers so that it continues its roll right up to the man’s feet.

9. Try to come up with zippy one-liner. It’s funnier if you fail and say something dumb, like “right to ya.”

10. Accept ice cream from laughing man who has picked it up for you. Here’s where having another person in your incident  scene is crucial. You’ll only know you’ve perfected your slapstick if he looks like he’s trying not to laugh but can’t keep it in.

I hope you’ve learned a lot from my first installment of physical comedy lessons learned from real life. If you’d like to know what I create when I’m actually TRYING to be funny, please find my fairy tale comedy Littlefoot Part One on Kindle.

 

 

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5 Reasons New Year’s is the Best Holiday

1. Obsessing about yourself

We obsess about ourselves all year long, of course, but suddenly our list of things we want to be and do becomes socially acceptable. Oh look! Tallulah wants to lose ten pounds and finish her novel! We hit “like” instead of rolling our eyes and scrolling our screen. Because New Year’s!

2. No religious obligation

With New Year’s, there’s no wondering if you’ve spent too much on gifts to still be able to say it’s about the baby Jesus. There’s no wondering whether someone’s going to bite your head off for saying “Happy Holidays.” It’s Happy Freaking New Year for people of all ages, genders, races, and religions.

3. Staying up until midnight

As adults, we stay up until midnight all the time, but don’t you remember the thrill of getting to stay up that late when you were a kid? And the great thing for us insomniacs is that we know our friends will be up until midnight tonight, too, so we don’t have to watch TV by ourselves wondering who else is up. We come alive at a New Year’s Eve party and our friends wonder if we’re on drugs, but no. This is our time. They’re on our turf now. The night turf.

4. Sparkly stuff

Outside of music videos, when else do grown men wear giant pink sparkly glasses with the year emblazoned on them? We should have this much freedom all year, I say. And what’s with all the friends on social media saying “call me if you are too drunk to drive” this one night of the year? Why can’t I have the freedom to get blasted on Valentine’s Day? Can’t I call you then?

5. End of the holiday season

The holidays were magical, weren’t they? And exhausting. Some people love New Year’s because 2016’s going to be EPIC. Some of us are just glad the holidays are over, and come to think of it, that a whole sucky year is over. It’s a holiday that works for optimists and pessimists alike!

Happy Freaking New Year Everybody!

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Bible Verses for Insomniacs

I have a favorite verse for when I can’t sleep, so today I was toying with the idea of writing another devotional, this one based on verses for insomniacs. However, at this point, I only have enough verses to get you through about week of sleepless nights, so I’m just going to make it one blog entry. Because there’s a chance (a small chance if you’re an insomniac) that you’ll fall asleep mid blog, I’m using my favorite insomniac verse first instead of saving it for last.

The fear of the Lord leads to life, so that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. (Proverbs 19:23) 

If you fear the Lord, you will confess your sins and be forgiven, which will eliminate one reason for sleeplessness. Nagging guilt. You know the phrase “How can you sleep at night?” Well, no offense, but if you can’t sleep, you might want to take a moment before reading the rest of this and ask for forgiveness for a few things. I’ll wait.

(whistles Amazing Grace)

Okay. Another reason fearing the Lord might help you sleep is that if you understand how vastly powerful God is compared to men, you won’t be afraid of anything on earth. Fearing anything other than God is definitely NOT good for sleep. Trust me. Every night I pray for protection from fire, earthquakes, intruders, and war. This list was perfected over time by adding everything that’s ever kept me up at night. I add “accidents” to cover any other bases, like planes crashing into the house. If I recognize the fearsome power of God to protect me, I banish all other fear from my mind. Take THAT, bump in the night! Psalm 4:8 says In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for Thou alone, O Lord, dost make me to dwell in safety.

I mean, Jesus slept in a boat during a storm that covered the boat with waves. The disciples came and woke Him, all crybaby “We’re gonna die! Save us!” Then Jesus said “Why are you timid, you men of little faith?” and, like a boss, He arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and it became perfectly calm. (from Matthew 8:26) Who am I to fear an earthquake that may or may not happen, when these guys weren’t even supposed to fear a storm THAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING?

Anyway, enough about fear.

Proverbs 3:19-26 is about keeping God’s wisdom close to you so that when you lie down, you will not be afraid, and your sleep will be sweet. (I would whistle “The Perfect Wisdom of Our God” while you thought about wisdom, but I don’t know it. I just found it when I Googled “songs about God’s wisdom.” The lyrics look good though. Check it out. It’s by Stuart Townend, a fave, and Keith Getty.)

Maybe you’re awake because you subconsciously think sleep to be a waste of time. After all, Proverbs 6:10 and 20:13 make it sound like we’re lazy if we sleep. But I’m sure these verses only refer to people who sleep when they should be working. Psalm 127:2 says It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep. God doesn’t need sleep. Let him work for you while you take a nice little rest. He loves you!

Even Paul, sort of a demanding guy if you ask me, lists sleeplessness among such difficulties as beatings, imprisonments and hunger. (2 Corinthians 6:5) It is okay to need sleep. Let yourself sleep.

Really, almost any Bible verse could be recommended for insomniacs. 1. You might as well be learning about God since you can’t sleep, and 2. Reading the Word of God brings peace, which might bring sleep.

Well, if this unedited blog hastily written at 1 A.M. hasn’t already bored you into sleep (I’ll stop whistling now as not to keep you awake) I have one more passage to recommend. Joshua chapter 12. Good night!

 

 

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Top 10 Reasons You Should Hire Me

10. I only steal gluten free lunches.

9. Perfect face for phone and email communication.

8. Office party designated driver.

7. Internet IQ tests going around Facebook tell me I’m anywhere between “above average” and “genius.”

6. I taught 4th – 8th grade band for ten years. Could your job possibly throw anything more challenging at me?

5. (Your business name here) is my favorite business.

4. I need a new washing machine.

3. I hate travel, so I’m always around.

2. My faith dictates that I love you even if you’re a horrible boss.

1. I finish projects even if I think they’re stupid.*

 

*I finished this list, didn’t I?

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