Traditional Vows Renewed

Let’s face it. After a few years of marriage, you realize those vows were a little vague. Here’s a more airtight version you might consider for your first vows or your renewal vows. You can thank me later.

I ______, take you ______, to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife/spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward except on the days when one of us fucking just needs some space, not to exceed three days a week. For better, for worse, unless you purposely caused the “worse,” in which case we’re going to have a serious talk, and even if it wasn’t purposeful but you just keep making the same blunder over and over and my friends are starting to shake their heads in pity. For richer, for poorer, as long as the poorer isn’t caused by a gambling or shopping addiction. In sickness and in health, because I’m not a monster, but you better not be faking it in order to get out of cleaning before your mom comes over. To love and to cherish, including but not limited to one back rub and three compliments per day, and they don’t count if you’re doing them to make up for some dumbass comment you made about me when you thought I was still outside watering the plants. Forsaking all others, which does not mean I’m not going to leave for “sibling weekend,” and obviously I will still have lunch dates with Taylor, you know our relationship is totally platonic and I’ve known them longer than I’ve known you. Til death or breaching of this contract do us part.

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